Day 11: A Real Rosary

Last night, I was finishing up the work day when Marnee walked in to the rehab department. She walked up beside me and handed me a small white envelope.

It was stuffed.

On the outside back of the envelope she had hand written a beautiful saying by Kahlil Gibran, one of my favorite poets.

"Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much what life brings to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens."

Inside this beautiful woman has written a card to me.

Dear Tre,

You are a beautiful young lady.

A gift from God

to so many of us

who need you.

Your smile

warms everyone's heart

and your expressions of confidence

and words of encouragement

are a blessing to this world - -

Thank you, thank you -

May God bless you

with peace of heart

and mind

and love of all -

Your grateful patient,

Inside was a beautiful olivewood rosary made in Jerusalem.

I used the rosary this morning for the Sorrowful Mysteries.

It is the perfect weight under my fingers. It is the perfect shape.

I may be the therapist and Marnee the patient, but she is the teacher, and I the lucky recipient of her spiritual wisdom and faith.

Day 10, Pondering Forgiveness

It's time to let go of any negative feelings about the Church. The Church was founded upon the Rock, the Salvation, Jesus Christ. Peter and the apostles laid the foundation for the Church. They were humans trying to spread the Word.

I am all for spreading the word of God; I am not for all the humans who interjected their individual needs for power and control who have over centuries corrupted the Church.

The Church is perfect in its original form; however, it, like us, is in need of God's mercy and forgiveness for all the moments in which its leaders have turned from God's will for It.

So, today, I release any pains I have held toward the perfect Church, and I forgive the hierarchy who, in their flawed humanity, made decisions that tainted the hearts of all us recovering Catholics, now just catholic.

Why "catholics" in lower case? Because we are all catholic.

Many Christians sometimes use the term "catholic" (often with a lower-case letter "c") to refer not to the Roman Catholic Church alone but more broadly, to the Christian Church and all believers in Jesus Christ across the world and across the ages, regardless of denominational affiliation.

Day 9: Keeping With the Schedule

Day 9: Glorious Mysteries.

Didn't I say them just yesterday? It feels as if I experienced these events the last time I said the rosary. The unfolding of Christ's Ascension and Mary's Assumption are fresh in my mind and heart.

I envision the cheers and fellowship of both Jesus' and Mary's returns to heaven, and I hope, when I think of this, that we are greeted with similar celebration when we "graduate" from this life.

I don't have much time today. I have a visitor here from out of town, and as she showers, I kneel down and listen to the serene Irish voice who leads the rosary.

I had intended to write about the Fruits of the Glorious Mysteries today; however, the schedule is tight, and to be honest,

I'm just relieved that I kept up with the schedule!

Faith, Hope and Charity

The three little beads after the Our Father closest to the crucifix...my father used to introduce these prior to reciting them, "to increase faith, hope and charity."

I am adding these prayers as I say the novena, courtesy of Saint Benedict Center:

It helps me concentrate on the meaning of each gift.

Act of Faith

O my God, I firmly believe that Thou art one God in Three Divine Persons, Father, Son and Holy Ghost. I believe that Thy Divine Son became Man, and died for our sins, and that He will come to judge the living and the dead. I believe these and all the truths which the Holy Catholic Church teaches, because Thou hast revealed them, Who canst neither deceive nor be deceived.

I pause here. I honestly cannot say that I believe all truths which the Catholic Church teaches, for that is why I left the church. So, I will ponder the meaning of the prayer and continue to delve inside to figure out where I belong in relation to the Church. Meanwhile, I believe the more comprehensive statement that there exists a Trinity, that Jesus died for our sins and that the living and the dead are judged.

Act of Hope

O my God, relying on Thy almighty power and infinite mercy and promises, I hope to obtain pardon of my sins, the help of Thy grace, and Life Everlasting, through the merits of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Redeemer.

Act of Charity

O my God, I love Thee above all things, with my whole heart and soul, because Thou art all-good and worthy of all love. I love my neighbor as myself for the love of Thee. I forgive all who have injured me, and ask pardon of all whom I have injured.

If we can all move into each day acting with faith, hope and charity, we are armed to move mountains, to transmute the negative in the world to Pure Love, which is the epitome of the Holy Spirit.

Transmutation

Day 7:

Back to my blog home page: http://travelingotr.blogspot.com

This is how the Joyful Mysteries felt to me this morning:

Hallelujah by MaMuse

Day 6: I Shall Believe

I Shall Believe by Matt Brouwer

I know God is with me at all times. I feel His presence in every moment, even during times of struggle. I am in frequent communication with Him.

This rosary, however, is my communication with The Mother. My intercessor. The Divine Matriarch brings me comfort today on a day in which I am fatigued and a little discouraged.



Day 5: Pondering the Spiritual Fruits of the Sorrowful Mysteries

I am back to the Sorrowful Mysteries.  Today, I am more aware of the Spiritual Fruits of each decade of this rosary:

Agony in the Garden  
Spiritual Fruit:  God's Will Be Done

How can I more gracefully follow God's Will for me, even during times of strife,  great loss or loneliness? He has a Plan for me, and only He knows the whole picture of my life and my purpose.

Divine Creator, please guide me through Your Will, that I may travel the Path you set before me in service to You.

Scourging at the Pillar  
Spiritual Fruit: Mortification of the Senses

mor·ti·fi·ca·tion [ màwrtəfi káysh'n ] : 

self-imposed hardship: the use of self-imposed discipline, hardship, abstinence from pleasure, and especially self-inflicted pain in an attempt to control or put an end to desires and passions, especially for religious purposes  (Encarta World English Dictionary)

Jesus endured unspeakable torture to fulfill the Word. Unspeakable. I cannot comprehend, none of us can, how this must have physically felt to this man/God who suffered for our redemption.

Divine Creator, may I use my God-given senses in fullest service to You with discipline.

Crowning of Thorns
Spiritual Fruit: Reign of Christ in Your Heart

Christ's crown of thorns brought mockery among those who did not understand. We believers are in awe of His sacrifice for us. Christ is our King!

Father, may I hold You close to my heart. May I be reminded at all times of Your sacrifice for my redemption.


Carrying of the Cross
 Spiritual Fruit: Patient Bearing of Trials

Christ gracefully handled His torture. Our trials pale in comparison to what He went through for us.

Heavenly Father, may I bear the trials in my life with grace and certainty that You are guiding my life. May I be sure in my heart of Your support, knowing that Your Will be Done.

The Crucifixion   
Spiritual Fruit: Grace of Final Perseverance

I see many people as they reach their final transition from life to the beyond. Some handle it with grace, and others fight it bitterly. Christ was a human nailed to a cross. Spit upon. Ridiculed. How terrifying and overwhelming it must have been to fulfill His role as a sacrificial lamb.

Divine Maker of the Universe, please bestow grace upon us who persevere through the trials of our human lives, that we may handle these trials with dignity and respect for ourselves and others.

Day Four: Joyful Mysteries

Day Four: The Joyful Mysteries

I find I really like saying the rosary to this video series. 



Complete Rosary, Joyful Mysteries

Today, I find myself aware of Mary's immense sense of responsibility when she accepted the role as Jesus' mother. This was of her own Free Will! God gave her a choice, and she said, "Yes!" 

The Joyful Mysteries

With illustrations from the booklet Praying the Rosary Without Distractions.

	The First Joyful Mystery THE ANNUNCIATION The time for the Incarnation is at hand. Of all women God prepared Mary from her conception to be the Mother of the Incarnate Word. The Angel Gabriel announces: "Hail, full of grace! The Lord is with thee." Mary wonders at this salutation. The Angel assures her: "Fear not . . . you shall conceive in your womb, and give birth to a Son." Mary is troubled for she has made a vow of virginity. The Angel answers that she will conceive by the power of the Holy Spirit, and her Son will be called the Son of God. The Incarnation awaits Mary's consent. Mary answers: "Behold the handmaid of the Lord. Be it done unto me according to your word." The Word was made flesh and dwelt among us. Spiritual Fruit: Humility
	The Second Joyful Mystery THE VISITATION Mary's cousin Elizabeth conceived a son in her old age . . . for nothing is impossible with God. Charity prompts Mary to hasten to visit Elizabeth in the hour of her need. The journey to Elizabeth's home is about eighty miles requiring four or five days. Though long and arduous, the journey is joyous, for Mary bears with her the Incarnate Word. At Mary's salutation, John the Baptist is sanctified in his mother's womb. Elizabeth exclaims: "Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb." "How have I deserved that the mother of my Lord should come to me?" "Blessed is she who believed that the Lord's words to her would be fulfilled." Mary replies: "My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord, and my spirit finds joy in God my Savior." Mary serves her cousin in all humility for three months until the birth of John the Baptist. Spiritual Fruit: Love of Neighbor
	The Third Joyful Mystery THE NATIVITY Joseph and Mary go to Bethlehem to comply with the decree of Caesar Augustus. The hour for Mary to give birth is near, but there is no room in the inn. In the stillness of the night, the Savior is born in a cave, Mary remaining a Virgin. She wraps Him in swaddling clothes and lays Him in a manger. In unspeakable joy Mary gathers to her bosom the Flower of her virginity. Jesus enters the world in poverty to teach the lesson of detachment from earthly things. The angel announces to the shepherds: "Today there is born to you in the town of David a Savior, Who is Christ the Lord." The angelic chorus sing: "Glory to God in the highest, and peace to His people on earth." The shepherds come to the stable to pay homage to the Infant Jesus. The Magi come to adore the Holy Child and offer Him gifts. Spiritual Fruit: Poverty of Spirit
	The Fourth Joyful Mystery THE PRESENTATION Observing the law of Moses they take Jesus to the temple to present Him to the Lord. According to the Law the firstborn male child of every family should be consecrated to the Lord. Mary offers her Son to the Father, then ransoms Him back at the price paid by the poor. Jesus is not subject to the law of Moses, yet to teach obedience, submits to it. Mary is not subject to the law of purification, yet in humility she submits to it. God had revealed to Simeon that he would not see death until he had seen the Messiah. Recognizing the Child, he prays: "Now you can dismiss your servant in peace. You have fulfilled your word." "This Child is destined to be the downfall and rise of many in Israel, a sign that will be opposed." And to Mary Simeon reveals: "And your own soul a sword shall pierce." After they fulfill all the Law requires they return to Nazareth. Spiritual Fruit: Purity of mind and body
	The Fifth Joyful Mystery THE FINDING OF JESUS IN THE TEMPLE When Jesus is twelve years old, He goes with His parents to Jerusalem for the feast of the Passover. After the feast of the Passover, Joseph and Mary unknowingly set out for Nazareth without Jesus. At the end of the first day's journey they discover Jesus is missing. His parents return immediately looking for Him. This loss causes grief and anxiety beyond our understanding to the hearts of Mary and Joseph. On the third day they find Jesus in the Temple among the Doctors who were astonished at His wisdom. Mary: "Son, why have you done this to us? Your father and I have been searching for you in sorrow." Jesus: "Why did you search for me? Did you not know that I must be about my Father's business?" Jesus goes down with them to Nazareth, and is subject to them. Mary keeps all these things in her heart. Spiritual Fruit: Obedience

These Joyful Mysteries courtesy of http://www.rosary-center.org/joyful.htm

How must it have felt to mother a 12-year old so certain of His Life Path that He was the teacher of all? How did Mary feel as she knew that He was fulfilling his Duty? She kept all these feelings in her heart. How difficult it must have been to carry this responsibility.

I have had a beef with the Church for not allowing women more of an active role in the leadership. What I see through new eyes today is that God chose this woman, indeed, to be a leader of the Church.

Day 3: Entering the Glorious Mysteries

Day 3: I enter the Glorious Mysteries. It is morning, my first day back to work in 9 days.  I move right back into my routine...throw the covers back, turn the heat up, and flip on the coffee. I've put a tiny Post-It by the coffee pot.

ROSARY

 I don't need the Post-It this morning. I have been looking forward to saying the rosary this morning. I don't know how long the "newness" will last; I figure at some point, I may need to push to make it happen.

Prayer is like exercise or meditation. It requires discipline and commitment.

Complete Rosary, Glorious Mysteries

Something new I found during my research of the 54-day novena is the prayer for petition, which may be said during the first 27 days of the novena. It was mentioned on a Catholic forum and the site source was listed as http://www.prayerflowers.com/54DayNovena.htm.

The actual novena can be purchased by the publisher at http://www.actapublications.com/prayer/rosary/.

I start the petition prayer today before I recite the rosary:

My dearest Mother Mary, behold me, your child, in prayer at your feet. Accept this Holy Rosary, which I offer you in accordance with your requests at Fatima, as a proof of my tender love for you, for the intentions of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, in atonement for the offenses committed against your Immaculate Heart, and for this special favor which I earnestly request in my Rosary Novena: (Mention your request)

I beg you to present my petition to your Divine Son. If you will pray for me, I cannot be refused. I know, dearest Mother, that you want me to seek God’s Holy Will concerning my request. If what I ask for should not be granted, pray that I may receive that which will be of greater benefit to my soul.

I offer you this spiritual “Bouquet of Roses” because I love you. I put all my confidence in you, since your prayers before God are most powerful. For the greater glory of God and for the sake of Jesus, your loving Son, hear and grant my prayer. Sweet Heart of Mary, be my salvation."


Today it is not difficult to be present as I pray. I focus on each pearl of Glory listed below with the movement of each Hail Mary.

The Glorious Mysteries

With illustrations from the booklet Praying the Rosary Without Distractions.

	The First Glorious Mystery THE RESURRECTION The body of Jesus is placed in the tomb on the evening of Good Friday. His soul descends into the realm of the dead to announce to the Just the tidings of their redemption. Fearing the body of Jesus will be taken, the chief priests place guards at the tomb. On the third day Jesus rises from the dead, glorious and immortal. The earth quakes as the angel rolls back the stone, the guards flee in terror. The holy women coming to anoint the body of Jesus are amazed and frightened to find the tomb open. An angel calms their fears: "He is not here. He has risen as He said." Jesus appears to Mary Magdalen and Peter and two disciples on the way to Emmaus. That evening He appears to the apostles behind locked doors: "Peace be unto you ... do not be afraid." Jesus breathes on them and gives them the power to forgive sin. Spiritual Fruit: Faith
	The Second Glorious Mystery THE ASCENSION Jesus remains on earth forty days after His Resurrection to prove He has truly risen from the dead. He commissions the apostles to preach the gospel to every creature, and promises to be with them forever. He will not leave them orphans, but will send the Holy Spirit to enlighten and strengthen them. Jesus proceeds to Mt. Olivet accompanied by His Mother and the apostles and disciples. Extending His pierced hands over all in a last blessing, He ascends into heaven. As He ascends a cloud takes Him from their sight. Jesus ascends to take His place at the right hand of the Father. What jubilation there must be amid the angels of heaven at the triumphant entry of Jesus. The wounds in His glorified body are an endless plea before the Father on our behalf. The disciples leave Mt. Olivet and "return to Jerusalem with great joy."  Spiritual Fruit: Christian Hope
	The Third Glorious Mystery THE DESCENT OF THE HOLY SPIRIT The apostles are gathered in the upper room where Jesus had held the Last Supper. They are persevering in prayer with Mary the Mother of Jesus. A sound comes from heaven like the rush of a mighty wind, and it fills the whole house. The Holy Spirit descends on each of them in the form of tongues of fire. Filled with the Gifts of the Holy Spirit, they are enlightened and strengthened to spread the gospel. Having lost all fear of the Jewish leaders, the apostles boldly preach Christ crucified. The multitudes are confounded because every man hears them speak in his own tongue. The Holy Spirit comes upon the Infant Church never to leave it. That first day Peter goes forth to preach and baptizes three thousand. The feast of Pentecost is the birthday of the Church, for on that day it begins to grow. Spiritual Fruit: Gifts of the Holy Spirit
	The Fourth Glorious Mystery THE ASSUMPTION After the apostles have dispersed, the Blessed Mother goes to live with John, the beloved disciple. Mary lives many years on earth after the death of Christ. She is a source of comfort, consolation and strength to the apostles. As she had nourished the infant Jesus, so she nourishes spiritually the infant Church. Mary dies, not of bodily infirmity, but is wholly overcome in a rapture of divine love. Her body as well as her soul is taken up into heaven. After her burial the apostles go to the tomb and find only fragrant lilies. Jesus does not permit the sinless body of His Mother to decay in the grave. Corruption of the body is an effect of original sin from which Mary is totally exempted. The bodies of all mankind, at the last judgment, will be brought back and united again to the soul. Spiritual Fruit: To Jesus through Mary
	The Fifth Glorious Mystery THE CORONATION As Mary enters heaven, the entire court of heaven greets with joy this masterpiece of God's creation. Mary is crowned by her divine Son as Queen of heaven and earth. More than we can ever know the Hearts of Jesus and Mary overflow with joy at this reunion. Only in heaven will we know the great majesty of that coronation, and the joy it gave to the angels and saints. Even the angels, who by nature are greater than humans, hail Mary as their Queen. Mary shares so fully in the glory of Christ because she shared so fully in His suffering. Only in heaven will we see how central is the role of Mary in the divine plan of redemption. The angels and saints longed for the coming of her whose heel crushes the head of the serpent. Mary pleads our cause as a most powerful Queen and a most merciful and loving Mother. A great sign appeared in heaven; a woman clothed with the sun, the moon under her feet, and on her head a crown of twelve stars. Spiritual Fruit: Grace of Final Perseverance

These Glorious Mysteries are courtesy of http://www.rosary-center.org/glorious.htm


I feel grateful for these pearls of Glory because they enable me to concentrate on the unfolding of the Word. They enable me to imagine Mother Mary's role in this whole process. I've tried several times to put into words what I am thinking about Mother Mary at this moment, and

I'm speechless.

I am given strength when I am reminded that Mother Mary provided comfort, courage and consolation to the apostles. She is without the physical presence of her Son, and yet she mothers others in need. This wells up in my heart.

I am without my own son right now. We have what you could define as a broken relationship. I know intellectually that in his youth and his stubbornness, I may not have him in my life for a long time. If ever.

In the pain over my loss of his presence in my life, I have realized that service to others heals some of the deep wound. Mary serves the people; I serve the people.

When I imagine Mary's reunion with Jesus in heaven, I am overcome. I do not expect tears during Glorious Mysteries. I cannot help it. They just flow. It makes me think, truly, that anything is possible. Healing of a broken relationship is possible.

Even if it doesn't happen, I know that I will be given the strength to go on.

To serve the Divine and others.

To encourage.

To grow.

Day 2: Understanding the 54-Day Novena

I decided to check into what this novena actually is....here's what I found:

The Novena consists of 5 decades of the Rosary each day for 27 days in petition; then immediately 5 decades each day for 27 days in thanksgiving, whether or not the request has been granted. 1st day meditate on the Joyful Mysteries; 2nd day the Sorrowful Mysteries; 3rd day the Glorious Mysteries; 4th day meditate again on the Joyful Mysteries; and so on.

J: Joyful Mysteries are recited on this day of your novena.

S: Sorrowful Mysteries are recited on this day.

G: Glorious Mysteries are recited on this day.


So, I was ready to venture through the sorrowful mysteries this morning. I checked my coat pocket....I had left the rosary in the car from my trip.

Realization #1: you don't need the actual rosary to say the rosary.

I hopped online. There were bunches of rosaries being said on Utube. Here's my favorite:

Complete Rosary: The Sorrowful Mysteries

I researched a little more. For each bead on the rosary is an event to visualize and ponder.  As I read each point of sorrow, I became immersed in the experience of Christ's suffering.

Wow, this is going to be more powerful than I realized. 

As you say the rosary, ponder this:

The Sorrowful Mysteries

With illustrations from the booklet Praying the Rosary Without Distractions.

	The First Sorrowful Mystery THE AGONY IN THE GARDEN Jesus comes with his disciples to Gethsemani: "Stay here, while I go yonder and pray." Entering the garden with Peter, James, and John, Jesus prays, "My soul is sorrowful unto death." Jesus sees the sins of all mankind, whose guilt He has taken upon Himself. He sees the wrath of the Father which His sufferings must appease. So great is his anguish that His sweat becomes as drops of blood falling to the ground. An angel appears to Him from heaven to strengthen Him. "Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet, not My will but Yours be done." Finding the disciples asleep: "Could you not watch one hour with me?" Jesus is betrayed by Judas, cruelly bound and led away. Father, by the merits of the agony of Jesus in the Garden, have mercy on us and on the whole world. Spiritual Fruit: God's Will be done
	The Second Sorrowful Mystery THE SCOURGING AT THE PILLAR Jesus is taken before the High Priest where He is falsely accused, buffeted and insulted. The Jewish leaders take Jesus before Pilate, for only he can impose the death penalty. The robber, Barabbas, is preferred to Jesus. Pilate can "find no cause in Him", yet to appease the Jews, he orders Jesus to be scourged. The scourge is made of leather thongs to which are attached small sharp bones. Jesus is bound to a pillar and cruelly scourged until His whole body is covered with deep wounds. The Lamb of God offers His suffering for the sins of mankind. Jesus suffers so much in His sacred flesh to satisfy, especially, for sins of the flesh. The prophesy of Isaiah is fulfilled: "He was wounded for our iniquities, He was bruised for our sins." Father, by the merits of Jesus in this painful scourging, have mercy on us and on the whole world. Spiritual Fruit: Mortification of the senses
	The Third Sorrowful Mystery THE CROWNING WITH THORNS Pilate asks, "Are You a king?" Jesus answers: "I am a King, but My kingdom is not of this world." In the praetorium, the soldiers place an old purple robe on Jesus in mockery of His claim to be a king. They fashion a crown out of thorns, and forcefully press it down upon His head. In His bound hands they place a reed, as a sceptre, in mockery of His kingship. Kneeling before Him in derision, they spit on Him, and cry out: "Hail, King of the Jews!" Taking the reed from His hand they strike Him on the head, driving the thorns more deeply into His scalp. Pilate brings Jesus before the people, hoping His pitiful sight will soften them: "Behold the man!" Their response: "Crucify Him! Crucify Him!" Our Blessed Lord submitted to this terrible humiliation to make reparation for our pride. Father, by the merits of this painful humiliation, have mercy on us and on the whole world. Spiritual Fruit: Reign of Christ in our heart
	The Fourth Sorrowful Mystery THE CARRYING OF THE CROSS One condemned to death by crucifixion is forced to carry the cross to the place of execution. The suffering of Jesus is intense as the cross is laid on His bruised and wounded back and shoulders. Weak and exhausted from loss of blood, lack of food and rest, Jesus falls three times under the cross. Jesus meets His afflicted Mother causing untold anguish in the Hearts of Son and Mother. The countenance of Jesus is disfigured with blood and sweat, with dust and spittle. Veronica wipes His face, leaving on her towel the image of His countenance. Fearing that Jesus might die on the way, the soldiers force Simon of Cyrene to carry the cross behind Jesus. Jesus speaks to weeping women; "Weep not for Me, but for yourselves and your children." "If anyone is to be My disciple, let him take up his cross and follow Me." Father, by the merits of this painful journey to Calvary, have mercy on us and on the whole world. Spiritual Fruit: Patient bearing of trials
	The Fifth Sorrowful Mystery THE CRUCIFIXION The hands and feet of Jesus are nailed to the cross in the presence of His afflicted Mother. "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." "This day you will be with Me in paradise." "Woman, behold your Son. Son, behold your Mother." "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?" "I thirst." "It is finished." "Father, into Your hands I commend My spirit." The side of Jesus is pierced with a lance. His body is taken down and placed in the arms of His Mother. Father, by the merits of the crucifixion and death of Jesus, have mercy on us and on the whole world. Spiritual Fruit: Pardoning of Injuries

These Sorrowful Mysteries are courtesy of http://www.rosary-center.org/sorrow.htm

What I didn't expect was the welling of emotion as I read each point of sorrow while the rosary was being recited on the video. Christ's dread of what was to happen, the emotional pain of his betrayal, the tremendous physical suffering, and His Mother's heartbreak at seeing Her Son fulfill the Word brought me to tears.

I was overcome.

I was grateful for His sacrifice.

I was amazed that Christ did this.

For me...and for you.

Day 2...the tip of the iceburg of understanding...

Day One: All Over Again

It's a week later. I spent all of last week surrounded by six siblings, their kids, my parents and closing on a small house near "the farm" that our family will use as a little B&B when we come in and out of town.


Yep.


The rosary got pushed back. I let life interfere. But...

thankful for a second chance...

I start all over again as I drive from Sacramento back toward home. I had put a rosary in my coat pocket when I was home, fully intending to say it after Mass, but I got pulled into the flow of the crowd and well wishes from folks at home.

The rosary is in my pocket.

I pull it out. It has broken.

What the heck?

This is the second rosary that has broken...

I googled "meaning of broken rosary" and found several different sites discussing the meaning. What resonated with me most was part of a writing by Karen Edmisten in which she wrote about her broken rosary:

Gazing at it, I was struck by the incongruity. This once-perfect thing was now bent, crooked and imperfect, yet still beautiful. It was like us, like our lives. Though we were made in the perfect image of God, we are bent and crooked with original sin; even after baptism we are still crippled by its after-effects. We stumble through this life tarnishing the perfect image, while our Lord repeatedly tinkers with us, repairs us, and heals us.    

Isn't that a beautiful reminder?

So, I started the rosary holding both pieces of the broken decade.

Within a few Hail Marys, I am reminded of the challenge of concentration, exactly the same way I have felt when practicing Buddhist meditation.

I notice a sign, Strawberries for Sale, along the side of the road.

oh, that sounds good!

I remind myself to focus. Then float thoughts of many different things:

the house I was working on this week

my family members

returning home

leaving California in 2 months

Our Father

On Earth as it is in Heaven

(What will that be like?)

Glory Be

and then...rhythm of the prayers.

I was actually sad when I finished it.

I am getting motivated to learn more about the 54-day novena. To re-explore the meaning of the Mysteries. To intellectually and spiritually advance through this process.

Day One: I start again.

healing my catholic heart, day one

People have many descriptions for what I am.

Former Catholics like me call ourselves “recovering,” current Catholics tag us as “fallen.”

Falling from Grace

It is also said, “Once a Catholic, always a Catholic.” There’s certainly an element of truth to this...especially as I begin the process of revisiting elements of my  childhood religious upbringing.

My patient, Marnee, has planted a seed in my mind.

She is an alpha female, matriarch of her six children whose personalities and professions closely resemble the kids in my family. She’s one strong gal, and her faith is that of steel.

Unbendable. 

I connect with her in a deep and meaningful way. I have life lessons to learn from her, and she has lessons on living independently from me. I am assisting her to rehabilitate home after a pelvic fracture, so we spend plenty of time together each day.  

Almost 60 years ago, Marnee was a college-educated professional working in healthcare in San Francisco after WWII. She was in her early 30’s and unmarried.

Unusual for a lady in those days!

She was heavily considering a vocation as a Carmelite nun. She’s the only woman I have ever met other than my mother who considered the cloistered life of a Carmelites.

She tells me the story this week about a two-month period that changed her life.

She had verbalized her plan to join the Carmelite monastery when her mother encouraged her to do a 54-day novena before making a decision.

“God may have other plans for you, Marnee,” she said. “You’re either meant to be married or a nun. This will give you clarity.”

Marnee started a 54-day novena, which included reciting the rosary every day.

She smiles when she tells me the outcome. “On day 54, Tre, I met my husband. On the last day, the outcome was clear. It’s been a beautiful life.”

 

Marnee and I talk about her life, her six kids, and her vocation as a mother, church volunteer and hospice caregiver.  We talk about my devotion to the Catholic life before living in a convent at the age of 19, my life of service as an occupational therapist and my love of working with the elderly.  We talk about the fact that I am in my mid-forties and single.  My children from a former marriage are in college in other states and living busy lives. I am on my own.

I am a joyful person. I am happy with my life as it is….though, I can be honest when I reveal to Marnee, “It would be a great gift if there was a companion in my life.”

She looks in my eyes and smiles. “I think you need to do the 54-day novena, Tre. You spend the first 27 days saying the rosary daily to ask for God’s Will to be evident to you. You spend the final 27 days thanking God for what He will bring. If you miss the rosary once, you have to start the 54 days all over again.”

“It sounds compelling, Marnee. I’m interested.” I'm not interested in "praying for a man;" I am interested in actively engaging with the Divine to determine the course of my life. I am open to His Will.

I tell Marnee goodbye and leave for a week’s vacation home to the Midwest to see family.  During my 4-hour drive to the airport from the remote coastline village of my current travel assignment, Mother Mary subtly and regularly enters my thoughts.

When you live alone, it’s natural to start talking to yourself for company! (Though not all the time!) People may think it a bit crazy, but I answer her as I drive toward Sacramento.

“Okay, okay, I’ll do it.”

As I drive in the dark, I attempt to unclasp a mini rosary that has been hanging unused on my rearview mirror for the past three years.  It breaks into two pieces, and one falls on the passenger floor out of reach.

That’s my sign to concentrate on the road. “Thank you very much!” I tell her. I’ll have to start it later.

This morning, on my flight from Sacramento up to Portland, I take out my fat little notebook from my bag, click open the pen, and scribble dots for beads on a page. I’ve made a workable rosary on paper.

After each prayer, I mark an “x” through the scribbled bead.

I want to be present to what is happening in my head and my heart as I start this novena. The first thing I notice is that I’m rusty.

My six siblings and I spent our childhoods reciting the rosary every night during Lent, usually called to the dining room table by dad during our favorite TV program (to increase the sacrifice). When we were kids, our motivation was to get it over as quickly as possible, which was honed to a speedy 12 minutes.

Later, before my parting from the Church, while driving a one-hour commute to work and back, the rosary was a regular part of each day, a meditation that gave me peace and clarity.

I start the prayers, concentrating on visualizing the presence of the Virgin Mary as I ponder her prayer.  Hail Mary, Full of Grace.

Grace. What we are all striving for.

Father, Son and Holy Spirit during the Glory Be. The image of lavender mist rising from the ground. This is my image of The Violet Fire, the Holy Spirit, transmuting everything into pure love. Pure ohm. The sound of the beginning of time.

My mind focuses past the flight attendant’s instructions as we start to taxi down the runway onto the repetition of the prayers.

I cross off each X.

I realize that I no longer remember the Mysteries.  I remember that today is Saturday, and that it should be the Glorious Mystery.

I think.

I shall have to look that up. I want to remember it so I can walk the course of the Mystery as I recite these prayers.

Out spill other thoughts. Do I really have to be angry at the Church? Can I find the most positive aspects of the church and embrace them? Can I forgive the Church for not allowing me to engage in service equal to that of the male hierarchy? Could I create my own relationship with the Church that bears no resemblance to the childhood Catholic I was socialized to be? Can I return to Catholicism on my own terms? Do I even want to?

I have spent the past 14 years praising God in Baptist, Methodist, Christian Community churches and meditating in Buddhist temples. In each church, I am praising the exact same God.

I don’t know the answer to these questions yet. This is not a 50 yard dash. It is a 26 -mile marathon. I am only on day one.

Two things I am certain of, though:

One, I find by the end of the rosary, I am suddenly filled with peace.

 Two, I do believe God’s Will shall be revealed.

Love Image: http://www.vine2victory.com/real-love/